Yesterday, I said good-bye to my first home here in Georgia. It was bittersweet. I grew so much being in this home. It is more than a place that I ate and rested. I cried my eyes out many days. I sat in my room depressed, unsure about my future. I questioned God about my circumstances. I thought about suicide many nights. I thought of plans to kill myself, to not exist in this world anymore. I attempted to kill myself in that home. Through all the heartache and pain, I realized that God has my back. I realized that I am worth living for (not just existing).
I entitled this post “The End of A Era” because leaving this home is the end of bitterness; the end of restless night unsure of my future and my present; the end of rage, the end of envy; the end of complete sadness. I still experience with depression and anxiety (no excuse for living my life anymore). I can tell you though that I am not as depressed as I was before. Yes, I have my days when I don’t feel like doing anything. (Most of the time I am physically exhausted-most from working out and then walking back and forth three floors to my apartment). Still, I am full of joy and positivity.
As I was cleaning up the last of what was left in my first home,I just stopped and reflected on how much I’ve grown in this home; just being here in Georgia, period. I came to terms with a lot of things that bothered me for years. I finally was able to forgive myself and others for everything that happened in my past. I finally understand why I had some much difficulty in high school, college, and while I was in Orlando. I even understood why I had some mishaps here in my first year here in Georgia.
I did not love or like myself at all that I took mental abuse and cause a lot of this abuse on myself. I did not care. I did any and everything just to be a part of a crowd, for people to like myself, to feel wanted. People weren’t necessarily the issue, my mindset was. I thought that I had to change myself so many times over just to be accepted. I hated being called weird, odd, awkward, strange, slow, retarded. I hated it so much, but I accepted it by people who did not have my best interest at heart.
It’s the end of a era because I can finally say that I love myself. I like myself so much now that I can comfortable go out in public in sleeveless dresses and shirts. I wear my hair any way I please and I could care less what people think. I am comfortable going to some public places on my own (I’m working on this still). I am comfortable being Christina (just a woman living on my terms). I am who I am and I no longer allow others dictate that (not even family).
I couldn’t come to terms with many things if it wasn’t for God. I try to be consistent with reading and studying His word on a daily basis. My prayer life needs some improvement. (I only talk to God when my heart is extremely heavy and when I’m extremely lost). God deserves and has earned my devotion each and every day, each hour of my day.
I can’t tell you how excited I am to experience what God has planned for me. I’ll be 25 next month on the 23rd (Thank You Jesus). I can feel change in my bones (a bit scary but overall good).
Going forward, I am living for Christ. I’ll continue to listen to some secular music (hey, who doesn’t love Rihanna and Taylor Swift) until He says stop. I’ll watch some forbidden films. The point I’m making is that I’m not perfect. I don’t intend to be. However, I refuse to live in the past. I refuse to let fear dictate my present and my future. I have way too much to look forward to. My top priority is exhibiting Love, Faith, and Hope with Love being the greatest of them all (1 Corinthians 13:13 reference) in my life starting today.
(This post is me unapologetically expressing His grace that He exhibited in my life this last couple of years. This is my safe haven that I can freely speak about my growth-the mission for creating this blog in the first place. I’m overly excited for the plans God has for Love Sparks Strength and my life overall. Thank you all for supporting me and Love Sparks Strength. Honestly, I couldn’t get through this without your encouragements and love, thank you!)
Be blessed. I hope you all have a great weekend.