My mind is racing. I mean it’s really racing. I feel like it’s going 1000 miles per hour. I can’t stop it. It’s scary. I don’t know why it’s doing this. I don’t understand it. I prayed to God. I asked Him to guide me through this. I know that God works on His own time. However, I feel that I need relief now. I need to be rescued now. After talking to Him, the voices became louder and stronger. The voices became more precise. The crazy thing, I feel like those voices are coming from people I know. It’s crazy, right?
I’ll tell you something. Dealing with a mental illness is no joke. Dealing with hearing things on a regular basis or carefully analyzing any and everything around you takes too much work. Sometimes, I wish that I can turn it off. I honestly do want a switch on/off button for my mind. If I had a superpower, it would be to control my mind. I would want to control all of my thoughts, pick out ones I like, throw out the ones I dislike, and know where they come from.
“My mind keeps playing tricks on me”…This is the lyric that resonates with me the most right now. If you haven’t heard it, it’s from the Geto Boys (a 90’s hip hop group from Texas). I keep asking myself, why me? Why am I going through this? What have I done or not done for this to happen? I don’t want to have too many sleepless nights. I don’t want my sleeping pattern (if I have one) to be out of wack. I am stuck in this bubble sort of speak.
This is truly the first time that I feel that I have no control. I could call the national mental hotline and talk with someone. I could surf Facebook and watch funny and inspirational videos. I could watch Season 1 of Gossip Girl. There are a lot that I can do to distract myself. Distractions are good, but, what happens after everything is done?
Maybe this is God telling me something. Maybe He’s telling me that I need to re-direct my attention, my thoughts to something else. I will admit; I’ve been stressed out. I’ve been worrying way too much; I’ve been lax on my prayer life. I’ve been not fully committed to reading my word on the regular. I’ve been just “out of it”.
I watched this video on Facebook (surprise, surprise) and the young lady was speaking about eternal life, what that entails. I like how she explained it. She basically said that we can not live eternally if we continue to focus on external things for internal growth. A lightbulb hit in my crazy head and I believe I got what she was saying.
Instead of worrying about having a full-time, high-paying job or trying to have my own home by age 30, I should focus on my relationship with God. I need to focus on having a deeper, intimate connection with Him. He has not forsaken me yet. I don’t believe that He ever will. I can talk about being a Christian all day long. The truth is this: I am not perfect. I never intend to make it seem like I’m perfect. I struggle in my walk. I’m struggling right at this moment. The motivational/inspirational/die hard “yasss” stuff I put on social media, I want to live by all of that. I want to be confident in the Lord. I want to be able to handle my anxiety, my depression, my (whatever other mental illness that I have but don’t know the proper name for it). I want to have some control over this.
I need God to help me through this. I’ve tried counseling several times. I’ve been to an intensive 8-week group therapy program. I’ve done exercises practicing mindfulness and I AM….(positive adjective to follow) sayings. I’ve done all of this. Now, I need a new plan. I need something that is going to work this time. I can’t keep going through this. I don’t want to.
I’m about to be 25 in two weeks. I don’t want to go into a quarter century of my life dealing with this. It’s too much. It’s draining me.
What I learned is in order to have independence in my life, my dependence has to be solely on God. I need to exemplify that confidence in Him. I need to walk by Faith (actually practice it daily, by minute, by hour).
These are the steps I believe will help me and you combat unwanted thoughts and feelings as well as unnatural impulses:
- First, dedicate my life to Him. I did so through spiritual (accepting Christ as my Lord and Savior) and biblical (submerge in water) baptism
- Then, Commit to study my word, to pray everyday (big one) , and to live by at least one thing I learn from studying His word each day
- The hardest for me: Be patient with the blessings He will bestow upon me, my prayer requests being answered (in the way He wants to respond to them), and with myself (knowing that this is a process-change will not happen overnight)
- Talk to someone who is close to me and be honest with them of what’s really going on with me
- Also, to not be ashamed about my progress with everything from my career to my love life to my relationship with Him. Everything does happen for a reason (either these experiences will allow me to teach someone or I’ll learn from it).
This is my daily life in a nut shell. Some might think why am I sharing this. When I decided to blog, I decided to become an open book.
I hope that this inspires someone to seek Him and to not be in the dark about having a mental illness/disorder. We need to shed light on this.