A lot has happened in the last few days. I broke down (again). I have many good things happening and I can’t focus on the positive. I keep going back to the past (the past few days, the past week, the past month). I say it all the time to leave the past alone. However, I can’t do it. I can’t move forward in my life because I feel that I haven’t left a particular chapter. This particular chapter, I endured a ton of hurt from myself, from others, from people that I truly care about. I can ask God to help my through this process of forgiveness. I can ask him to help me to finally put everything to rest. Am I asking him the right things? Am I asking too much of Him at one time? Am I rushing the process of healing? I want to heal and move on. I have so much potential. I have so much to offer to others.
I’ve always been that person who helps without expecting anything in return. I’ve always been that person who people can always depend on. I’ve always been a team player. Now, I am doubting myself a bit. I don’t feel that I am good doing any of these things. I feel that I am slacking and that I’m not able to bounce back. I don’t know why I feel so lost. (This feeling is not going away and I’ve been feeling like this for some time). I’m able to do the very things that I enjoy daily or on a weekly basis. I’m able to connect with others on different levels. I’m able to work on being the best me everyday.
There is only one solution to all of this: CHOICES (as the title of this post). I have the choice to do whatever, to feel however I want, to be whoever I want to be. I have a infinite number of choices. I can choose to be happy. I can choose to be sad. I have the choice of being angry at my circumstances. I have the choice of getting off my behind and making something of myself. Pretty much, we all have a choice to live how we want. CHOICES, I say will benefit you or teach you a lesson. I hope and pray that all of our choices will make all of us better all around.
(I’m not sure if you read my second to last post-I talked about people tolerating me, not being authentic with me and not being able to make friends. If you did read it and felt offended-I apologize from the bottom of my heart. I am not here to offend anyone. I truly cherish all of my friendships and relationships. I know that I have people that I can depend on. I know that many of these same folks are going to support me no matter what. No excuses. I’ll be careful with how I convey things from now on)
What choice/choices will you make today?
I know that I’m making the choice to begin living, to not be fixated on the past, and to allow God to work on me (so I can finally heal). Also, and this is a big one for me-to not concentrate on others’ words (especially family). Yes, words hurt me (to the core), but I realized that people are probably bitter, hurt, jealous, envy, and want me to stay stuck in my predicament.
Change is all about you. If people are not willing to accept the change that God is making in your life, then they don’t belong in this part of the process. Heck, they don’t belong in your life period. It’s true when they say that you’re getting too old to tell folks what they are doing to get cut out of your life.
With all of this being said, I appreciate everyone who allow me to flood your timelines, WordPress Readers, and emails with my insight. This is a part of my healing process and trust me, it’s helping me get everything out. I hope in this process that my story is helping someone who is going through a similar situation.