I not sure if many of you would remember the MTV series Unscripted, where celebrities would bare it all (not literally in most cases). I really admire these folks whose MySpace I stalked for their complete honesty about what goes on in the industry and in their lives.
Today is similar. I’m not a celebrity (not by societal standards) but I’m famous in my own right. Here’s my version of the infamous hit series:
I’m sitting here in Dunkin Donuts (really got hooked on the coffee this past summer) sipping on my Iced Pumpkin Swirl coffee. I’m thinking about many things. I’m sitting here thinking about my day, the week ahead, and what has happened in the past couple of days. There is so much to process (or attempt to process). I’ve talked about in my last post about how I felt stuck. I explained to you how lost I was and that I wanted to run away. The truth is, I still feel this way. I feel like giving up (not intentionally and not in the sense of taking my own life). I want to throw in the towel. I want to run far, far away, to be isolated from everything and everyone.
I feel that I have made effort upon effort to shake this feeling of “lost” off. I feel that I get knock down every time something good comes along. I know that this is not healthy. I know that I overthink way too often. I know that I worry way too much. I know that I create a lot of the drama in my life currently.
Every time I want to work out all I can think about is slipping back into bad habits after making progress. Every time I want to connect with people near and far, all I can think about is what they will think and say about me (and not positive things). All of these thoughts piling up in my head, is STRESSFUL. I get headaches. I overeat. (I noticed it for the first time this past Saturday at Applebees. I couldn’t stop eating or drinking my sweet tea. I kept apologizing to my family for my overeating, telling them that I was STRESSED, that I was not feeling the best, that I was not having the best day, although I was with my loved ones). This was not a pleasant experience in itself. (It felt that way anyway)
I know that I have talked about mental health a lot lately on here. Honestly, I’m going through a lot dealing with my present mental state. It’s way out of whack. I’m not able to concentrate as much. I’m less motivated (to a certain extent. I still get my butt out job hunting). I’m less than functional the majority of the time (I can thank my mom and Dunkin-for the energy).
I don’t know what else I can do. I’m in my word. I’m praying a bit more often. I’m repeating my affirmations and mantras (especially when I hear voices-negative and rude comments about me).
This is something that I’m really struggling with-hearing voices. I hear them way more often (especially when I’m alone). They do say the same things that I heard over the years. It’s hard explaining to my love ones that it bothers me. I feel that people think that I’m losing my mind. Hearing voices are called Audible Hallucinations. “Experts” say that these voices are based on how someone feel about their self and their current situation. I agreed with them somewhat.
What do I hear-“That girl’s weird” “She’s awkward” “She’s weird” “She has no life” “She needs a boyfriend” “She has no friends” “She’s retarded” “She’s ugly” “She’s fat” (this one is true for the moment) “She’s odd” “She’s off” “She’s gay” “She’s a loser” “She’s stupid” She’s spoiled” “Her mom is her only friend” “Oh she’s listening to the same ole song” “Christina (in a harsh voice” “Oh my God here she goes”.
Then, I swear people are staring at me, peeking out of their windows to see when I enter and exit out of my home (it craps the hell out of me. I live in an apartment complex and my apartment faces the street). Sometimes I go somewhere far so it takes me longer to come home (to avoid this repeated and unpleasant moment).
The truth-I don’t have many friends period. I don’t have friends here in Georgia (not in my age range anyway). I don’t go out much (personal choice most of the time). I do miss going to the movies or bar hopping with my buddies (really didn’t bar hopped or bar crawled like that-it was once in a while-I still liked doing it). I missed meeting up with my girlfriend and chat over coffee or Boba tea. Sometimes I do want to move back home to have these experiences again. I miss my friends back home. I miss the warmth of people’s smiles, people that I know are here for me. I miss the authenticity and the gentleness of people. I loved that people back home (the ones I hung out with were real with me). I have trouble finding that here in my new home. I don’t want to leave but sometimes I feel that it’s the only option (to not live here in the Peach state).
After tonight, I am going to take a much needed break from blogging. I need to re-evaluate the purpose of having this blog. I need to figure out why I began Love Sparks Strength in the first place. I love and appreciate the support I’ve been given thus far. I feel that there is so much more I can do with Love Sparks Strength. I don’t feel that it’s here for the mission I originally set it for. I feel that it’s bigger than fitness, mental health and spirituality. It probably is but I’ll allow God to show me just so.
Most importantly, I need to talk some time to discover who I am physically, mentally, and spiritually. I frowned when my family said that I don’t need to share everything with everyone. They understand but they don’t understand. I’m not sharing for the sake of it. I’m sharing to be an encouragement to someone else who’s going through something similar. Some folks don’t have the courage or strength to talk to someone about their situation. Some folks are ashamed or embarrassed. Many rather act as everything is so good in public that they are suffering miserably in private.
During this time of discovery, I hope and pray that I receive a breakthrough. I’ll pray that God will show me what’s up. I’ll pray that I’ll finally get some answers that I’ve been asking for. I’ll pray that I’m be able to continue sharing my story with each of you and that we can grow together.
I’m not completely axing Love Sparks Strength, I will update my Instagram from time (IG Page is the same name-https://instagram.com/lovesparksstrength/), keeping y’all notified about what’s going on with me.
As always, thank you for allowing me to flood your WordPress Readers and emails with my scenarios and revelations.