Many of you follow my journey. I talk about the good, the not so good, and some ugly parts. As stated before, when I decided to blog, I decided to become an open book. In keeping with this promise, I am about to share something that only a few know. What I’m about to state may change your whole opinion of me-negative or positive-it’s your choice-although I may be shocked by some people’s reactions-just telling the truth
(Note:I am not using this platform for sympathy. I’m using this platform to heal, to encourage someone, and to bring light to mental illness-especially among the Y-generation. With this being said, here is my untold truth).
October 16, 2014 is such an important day to me. This is the day I regained consciousness. This is the day I was given another chance. This is the day that I stopped hiding. This is the day that God showed me that He indeed has my back. On this particular morning, I wrote my mother a letter basically telling her goodbye. I was so lost and so out on life. I was ready to transition-not wanting to deal with my issues anymore. I was so drained mentally, emotionally, and physically that the only option I felt I had was-to kill myself. Yes, I attempted to kill myself for the third and final time. I should have know better that it wasn’t going to work-after two failed attempts. I asked myself why God, why didn’t you allowed me to go with you? You know that I struggled so much here on Earth. Why can’t I be up there with you having no worries and living in peace?
His response-THIS IS NOT THE ANSWER.
It’s safe to say that God was right. What He did for me at that moment-to keep me from drowning-He showed me how my family and friends’ lives would have been like if I left. Knowing how I am, I wouldn’t want my family and friends shedding tears for my selfishness. It’s unfortunate that many people succeed in killing themselves. I wish that they could have seen what I saw at that moment-to know that people truly care about them and that they are not alone. Most importantly, that they are cherished by their loved ones and most definitely, by God.
Fast forward to October 16, 2015- It’s officially one year since I was admitted to a behavioral health hospital on suicide watch. I tell you-the experience marked the beginning of healing-of confronting my past-of confronting all of the demons that showed their ugly faces much throughout 2014. I was finally able to let everything out during this period. I forgave, repressed feelings, and then forgave again. A lot of the hurt I endured is gone-I can honestly say this again, it’s gone. I don’t need to go back to the times in Orlando, at college, back home or in my new home state. I don’t need to discuss or focus heavily on the past (especially during my childhood) and all it entailed. Now, at this moment, my only focus is-living-living for His purpose for my life-to continue the process of healing-to be free from everything that has once brought me pain.
If you are contemplating taking your own life, I beg you PLEASE DON’T. I’ll repeat this again PLEASE DON’T. You can work through all of your issues, all of your concerns, all of your hurt and pain, all of the unknowns. You are NOT alone although it might feel like that at times. I know that it’s not easy dealing with one or several mental illnesses. I know that it’s hard to shake off those demons-heck I still have issues shaking them off myself. These demons will deter you from progressing….They will be in your head telling you that you can’t do it-you can’t be who you want to be-you aren’t capable of doing this and that. I tell you-these demons have kept me from living pretty much-they have kept me from connecting with people, from accomplishing goals, from working on myself, from being one with Him.
These are the proven ways I have shook these demons off and out of my head (some I have discovered recently-within the last few weeks):
- Adult Coloring Books-These are the best investments. There are so many out there-I have the Creative Design-Mandelas Book.
- Journaling-Any notebook, inspirational journal, or a sketch pad will work
- Talk to someone that you trust
- Get into your word-You don’t need to spend hours a day-seriously. Just a few moments-picking a devotional and sticking with that or getting on a particular plan will be fine.
- Pray-I struggle with this myself-not knowing what to say or how to say it and doubting that God actually hears me- However, He does hears-He doesn’t respond the way you would want Him to but He does responds with greatness.
- Get out of your comfort zone-This is still new for me-being more social with people-going to events I wouldn’t normally go to. It’s difficult reaching out to new people or trying out new things in a new city. However, you’ll never know how something work unless you try it out first.
- Go to therapy-I go every few weeks. They are there to help you process things, to provide tips to help with the process, and to get down to the nitty-gritty about things.
- Join a group-These can vary. There are groups of specific interest, youth/young adult groups, and support groups (like DBT-Dialetic Behavioral Therapy group). It does help being around others who are going through similar situations.
This is everything in a nutshell. I am available to talk to anyone who have questions, concerns, and insight. As always, thank you for your support and for allowing me to flood your WordPress Readers, Facebook timelines, and emails with my thoughts and updates about my journey.