For those who do not know me, I’m Christina. I am a college graduate (Go Redbirds!). I currently reside in Georgia with my family. I am a born-again Christian. I was baptized on June 2, 2014 at Cross Point Church here in Georgia. I absolutely love the church family that I am a part of. However, my walk has not always been smooth-running and it’s still not in many aspects.
I have always struggled with my weight. I’ve been both overweight, but mostly obese since age 16. I started dealing with mental issues when I was a junior in high school. Being the new girl, trying to fit it out in the suburbs of Chicago. It was a challenge for me. (I am truly grateful for the friends I had out there that made it a bit easier and they know who they are). I sat in my bedroom most of the time. Even when I would come home from college, I would just sit in my room with the door close, away from the world. I honestly thought that it was normal for me to do this because we all need our personal space at times. But, this became my norm and it did not help me at all. I did not know how to be social. I did not know how to keep up with friendships. I always made excuses like I had to work or I had a lot of homework and projects for classes (which was true), but, I could have taken some time to cultivate these relationships. I was happy when I actually got invited out and actually went to the event or party. I was really happy and remembered thoroughly enjoying myself. Then, I get home and be in my world, my perfect world where anyone or anything could not harm me. I didn’t have to worry about being judged (especially for my weight).
My junior year of college is when everything hit the fan for me. I was living alone (with the exception of having a roommate for a month and a half). I was getting into my major courses, I was getting more involved on campus. I felt that I was living the life for the moment. Then all of the sudden, I had the neighbors from Hell. They would bang on the ceiling, they would creep out of their windows to see me enter and exit my apartment. They called me all kinds of names from the moon. The worst were a b@#$%, a retard, a whore, a tramp, a retard repeated many times. Someone even said that I should just kill myself, that no one would want me there anyway. The crazy thing is I felt the same way about myself. I felt that I didn’t belong, I wasn’t passing my courses like I wanted to, I was struggling in my social life, and I didn’t have hardly any friends (at least it felt that way. I knew folks. I just didn’t call them up to hang out).
To put this story short, I attempted suicide that year. I attempted suicide again my senior year, exactly two weeks before my college graduation. I’ll tell you something: The mind can really messed you up if you don’t learn how to control your thoughts and feelings within your thoughts. Like the song from the Geto Boys, My Mind Keep Playing Tricks On Me, so true. Because of my mind process, I struggled during college, while I was in Orlando, and even here in Georgia.
I’m beginning this blog as a way to bring awareness of mental illness to people, especially among young adults post-graduation into the real-world. I was in a deep hole after college that I didn’t get out of until October 16, 2014, my final attempt at suicide. That morning I wrote my mother a note stating that I messed up, that I did not belong in this world, and that I was nothing. After choking on water (yes, I try to drown myself in the bath tub), my mom took me to Lakeview Behavioral hospital, where I spent 5 days on suicide watch but in a safe place to finally let things out.
I am very grateful that my mom cared so much for me to have me go to Lakeview. I am very grateful for my fellow rehab friends and the staff because they helped me get to the first step of healing. Then I attended the Intensive Outpatient Program for 4 weeks which helped me processed some of my pin-up anger, disappointment, and hurt. I’m also grateful for my fellow IOP folks and the main two staff members (I’m not going to reveal their names) for helping me during this step. Now, I’m in the final step of healing. I’m currently struggling with trusting a lot of people. I still accuse my mom of things that she either has not done or that she doesn’t have control of. I have not fully forgiven myself or anyone of my past and present that had something to do with my “downfall” and with my becoming a cocoon all of these years.
This is where Love Sparks Strength comes along. I am bringing the good, the bad, and the ugly on dealing with mental health, physical health, and spiritual health. This is my tell-all. I posted stuff on Facebook and Instagram for the world to see. This platform isn’t any different. This is my way to finally heal. This is my way to finally forgive and throw the past in a bottle and into the deep end of the ocean. This is my way of encouraging someone who is going through a situation similar to mines. This is my way of learning from others.
I know that I shared a lot into our introduction or re-introduction (for those who already know me). I want it out there and now it is. I hope that you will follow my blog, read all about my journey, and share your story with me. I love to learn more about you as well!