My Thought Process (Random, Yes)

Feeling Blue, Mental Health Awareness
Photo Credit: Buzzfeed.com

Photo Credit: Buzzfeed.com

I’m struggling here. Like, I’m really struggling today. I had days that I don’t want to be around people. This time it’s different. I want to go somewhere and never come back. I’m not speaking on committing suicide (just in case some of you are curious). I’m basically saying that I want to travel to a new town, change my name and appearance, and start a new life.

I don’t know how many ways that I can tell myself that I’m fine. I am who I am. If other people can’t accept me, then it’s all good. These are lies that I tell myself to feel better about my predicament. The truth is, I’m just existing. I’m not living. I’m on repeat everyday. I feel that people tolerate me. It’s like they know that I’m struggling and am at a loss. I have heard some say that I don’t have a life. Just tell me, how is my life suppose to look like? I don’t hang out with folks. That’s true. I don’t have many friends. Also true. (I rather have a few quarters than a bunch of pennies-I’ve always followed this motto). As much as I tried getting to know folks now, I feel that it’s impossible. (Now the few folks I met, chatted with, and made some type of connection with-I keep in touch with them from time). The majority expect me to either be like them or to kiss their butt. I’m not the one. As much as I don’t like to be alone (most of the time), I rather deal with loneliness before I deal with phonies.

As I write this tears are developing. I’m trying not to cry. I’m trying to be strong. (My dad always say that people are not worth my tears). This might be true but it’s hard not to. I’m at the age that it’s becoming more difficult to make friends. Either people have their friends from college, church, or from childhood. I’m just the outsider trying to have an “in”.

I talk about being your own person all the time. I speak on accepting yourself. I tell and share posts about embracing your uniqueness. I do believe everything that I say, write, and post about. It is very hard to actually apply it. Every time I try, something happens to knock me down. Once I am down, I don’t want to work my way back up. I feel that I put so much effort into living by my mantras, but my effort is worthless.

I still go to bed crying some days. I still come home and do nothing. (Well not nothing. I just focus on social media). This pattern here checking my social media accounts, eating “unhealthy” foods, and being alone is not good. It’s not helping me. It’s deferring my progress. I don’t want to defer my progress. I’ve worked so hard already.

I am at a crossroads. I can ramble all day. I feel that it’s not doing much. I don’t know what else to do. I have good things happen for me daily. I feel that I’m closer to beginning my journey into Early Childhood Education. But, I ask myself, why is there still a void? What am I lacking?

With all of this happening, I feel that people are talking about me. (This might be true-it might not). I feel people staring at me in the stores. I feel that they are judging me. I know that I’m beautiful. I know that I’m confident. (I have on shorts, wear maxi and short dresses, and wear my hair in a curly fro most of the time).

There’s something going on in this head of mine and I can’t put my finger on it. I know that I want too much at once. I know that I put so much pressure on myself. I know that I am not going to have everything in place by a certain deadline. I know that I overthink (really overthink). I know that I need to work on my communication skills. I know that I need to take the necessary steps to better my life. I know all of this, but I’m still not satisfied. I’m still not fulfilled.

(This blog is my documentary on the journey to overall better health-physically, mentally, and spiritually. I am not perfect by no means. I do have days and weeks like this. Everything that I speak on won’t be uplifting or encouraging. There are times that I’ll need to let my thoughts flow out of me. Some of you will agree with me that stored thoughts in the head can drain you if you don’t take the time to write it out or talk about it. I do talk with my family and my homegirl, but, I can’t explain everything to them. Most of the time, my family in particular will try to offer advice when I really need them to listen. Other times, my family are trying to tell me how to handle my feelings and not take into consideration just that-my feelings)

It’s sad but most people don’t try to understand mental health. They believe that it’s something that can go away after a couple of therapy sessions. Although I am not depression or anxiety or a generalized social disorder-somehow these categories stay with me. I’m just learning of ways that I can deal with them and have a life.

Thank you to everyone who allow me to flood their WordPress Reader and emails with my thoughts. Your support and encouraging words do get me through my hard times.

Be blessed

Much Love,

Christina

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The End of A Era

Feeling Blue, Me+Faith=ConfidenceinHIM
(Photo Credit: The Freedom Project)

(Photo Credit: The Freedom Project)

Yesterday, I said good-bye to my first home here in Georgia. It was bittersweet. I grew so much being in this home. It is more than a place that I ate and rested. I cried my eyes out many days. I sat in my room depressed, unsure about my future. I questioned God about my circumstances. I thought about suicide many nights. I thought of plans to kill myself, to not exist in this world anymore. I attempted to kill myself in that home. Through all the heartache and pain, I realized that God has my back. I realized that I am worth living for (not just existing).

I entitled this post “The End of A Era” because leaving this home is the end of bitterness; the end of restless night unsure of my future and my present; the end of rage, the end of envy; the end of complete sadness. I still experience with depression and anxiety (no excuse for living my life anymore). I can tell you though that I am not as depressed as I was before. Yes, I have my days when I don’t feel like doing anything. (Most of the time I am physically exhausted-most from working out and then walking back and forth three floors to my apartment). Still, I am full of joy and positivity.

As I was cleaning up the last of what was left in my first home,I just stopped and reflected on how much I’ve grown in this home; just being here in Georgia, period. I came to terms with a lot of things that bothered me for years. I finally was able to forgive myself and others for everything that happened in my past. I finally understand why I had some much difficulty in high school, college, and while I was in Orlando. I even understood why I had some mishaps here in my first year here in Georgia.

I did not love or like myself at all that I took mental abuse and cause a lot of this abuse on myself. I did not care. I did any and everything just to be a part of a crowd, for people to like myself, to feel wanted. People weren’t necessarily the issue, my mindset was. I thought that I had to change myself so many times over just to be accepted. I hated being called weird, odd, awkward, strange, slow, retarded. I hated it so much, but I accepted it by people who did not have my best interest at heart.

It’s the end of a era because I can finally say that I love myself. I like myself so much now that I can comfortable go out in public in sleeveless dresses and shirts. I wear my hair any way I please and I could care less what people think. I am comfortable going to some public places on my own (I’m working on this still). I am comfortable being Christina (just a woman living on my terms). I am who I am and I no longer allow others dictate that (not even family).

I couldn’t come to terms with many things if it wasn’t for God. I try to be consistent with reading and studying His word on a daily basis. My prayer life needs some improvement. (I only talk to God when my heart is extremely heavy and when I’m extremely lost). God deserves and has earned my devotion each and every day, each hour of my day.

I can’t tell you how excited I am to experience what God has planned for me. I’ll be 25 next month on the 23rd (Thank You Jesus).  I can feel change in my bones (a bit scary but overall good).

Going forward, I am living for Christ. I’ll continue to listen to some secular music (hey, who doesn’t love Rihanna and Taylor Swift) until He says stop. I’ll watch some forbidden films. The point I’m making is that I’m not perfect. I don’t intend to be. However, I refuse to live in the past. I refuse to let fear dictate my present and my future. I have way too much to look forward to. My top priority is exhibiting Love, Faith, and Hope with Love being the greatest of them all (1 Corinthians 13:13 reference) in my life starting today.

(This post is me unapologetically expressing His grace that He exhibited in my life this last couple of years. This is my safe haven that I can freely speak about my growth-the mission for creating this blog in the first place. I’m overly excited for the plans God has for Love Sparks Strength and my life overall. Thank you all for supporting me and Love Sparks Strength. Honestly, I couldn’t get through this without your encouragements and love, thank you!)

Be blessed. I hope you all have a great weekend.

Much Love,

Christina