I’m struggling here. Like, I’m really struggling today. I had days that I don’t want to be around people. This time it’s different. I want to go somewhere and never come back. I’m not speaking on committing suicide (just in case some of you are curious). I’m basically saying that I want to travel to a new town, change my name and appearance, and start a new life.
I don’t know how many ways that I can tell myself that I’m fine. I am who I am. If other people can’t accept me, then it’s all good. These are lies that I tell myself to feel better about my predicament. The truth is, I’m just existing. I’m not living. I’m on repeat everyday. I feel that people tolerate me. It’s like they know that I’m struggling and am at a loss. I have heard some say that I don’t have a life. Just tell me, how is my life suppose to look like? I don’t hang out with folks. That’s true. I don’t have many friends. Also true. (I rather have a few quarters than a bunch of pennies-I’ve always followed this motto). As much as I tried getting to know folks now, I feel that it’s impossible. (Now the few folks I met, chatted with, and made some type of connection with-I keep in touch with them from time). The majority expect me to either be like them or to kiss their butt. I’m not the one. As much as I don’t like to be alone (most of the time), I rather deal with loneliness before I deal with phonies.
As I write this tears are developing. I’m trying not to cry. I’m trying to be strong. (My dad always say that people are not worth my tears). This might be true but it’s hard not to. I’m at the age that it’s becoming more difficult to make friends. Either people have their friends from college, church, or from childhood. I’m just the outsider trying to have an “in”.
I talk about being your own person all the time. I speak on accepting yourself. I tell and share posts about embracing your uniqueness. I do believe everything that I say, write, and post about. It is very hard to actually apply it. Every time I try, something happens to knock me down. Once I am down, I don’t want to work my way back up. I feel that I put so much effort into living by my mantras, but my effort is worthless.
I still go to bed crying some days. I still come home and do nothing. (Well not nothing. I just focus on social media). This pattern here checking my social media accounts, eating “unhealthy” foods, and being alone is not good. It’s not helping me. It’s deferring my progress. I don’t want to defer my progress. I’ve worked so hard already.
I am at a crossroads. I can ramble all day. I feel that it’s not doing much. I don’t know what else to do. I have good things happen for me daily. I feel that I’m closer to beginning my journey into Early Childhood Education. But, I ask myself, why is there still a void? What am I lacking?
With all of this happening, I feel that people are talking about me. (This might be true-it might not). I feel people staring at me in the stores. I feel that they are judging me. I know that I’m beautiful. I know that I’m confident. (I have on shorts, wear maxi and short dresses, and wear my hair in a curly fro most of the time).
There’s something going on in this head of mine and I can’t put my finger on it. I know that I want too much at once. I know that I put so much pressure on myself. I know that I am not going to have everything in place by a certain deadline. I know that I overthink (really overthink). I know that I need to work on my communication skills. I know that I need to take the necessary steps to better my life. I know all of this, but I’m still not satisfied. I’m still not fulfilled.
(This blog is my documentary on the journey to overall better health-physically, mentally, and spiritually. I am not perfect by no means. I do have days and weeks like this. Everything that I speak on won’t be uplifting or encouraging. There are times that I’ll need to let my thoughts flow out of me. Some of you will agree with me that stored thoughts in the head can drain you if you don’t take the time to write it out or talk about it. I do talk with my family and my homegirl, but, I can’t explain everything to them. Most of the time, my family in particular will try to offer advice when I really need them to listen. Other times, my family are trying to tell me how to handle my feelings and not take into consideration just that-my feelings)
It’s sad but most people don’t try to understand mental health. They believe that it’s something that can go away after a couple of therapy sessions. Although I am not depression or anxiety or a generalized social disorder-somehow these categories stay with me. I’m just learning of ways that I can deal with them and have a life.
Thank you to everyone who allow me to flood their WordPress Reader and emails with my thoughts. Your support and encouraging words do get me through my hard times.